FreeDumb Of Expression

The External-Womb Snuggie

Jens Odegaard — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:51:09 +0000

Tired of only looking pregnant for 9 months? With this new external womb made out of Snuggie fabric, you can hide your svelte figure beneath rolls of baby and baby fat for at least another year.

All external wombs come with a free mom haircut and color-coordinated long sleeve shirt. Call now!

–Let FreeDumb Ring

The Back-Up: Going to bed with a loaded weapon

Jens Odegaard — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 02:27:31 +0000

Sweet mother. I’d like to share my favorite quotes from the The Back Up website:

“Everyone who is serious about home protection should seriously consider purchasing two units. One for each side of the bed.” Ya, that’ll be good when you both get startled in the middle of the night.
“The Back Up is made of a space-age polymer and is precision engineered with machine bolts and hex screws.” This is a hex screw/bolt – not exactly rocket science. But you do owe it to yourself to learn about polymers from Paul Lemur.
“The frightening reality is that Americans are not safe in their own homes.” Actually, burglary rates in the U.S. have declined for the last 30 years, and property crime in general has declined.
“We stand by the fact that this device is a commentary on our safety and life in America.” Really?

I think I’ll go pick up a couple Back Ups for all those nighttime gunfights I keep finding myself in.

–Let FreeDumb Ring … don’t forget to digg this post.

Trail Blazers Bust A Bucket

Jens Odegaard — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 03:31:42 +0000

It was only in this last year that cable TV became part of my life for the first time since I was 11. I graduated college and got a job, so it was affordable. With cable came Comcast Sports Network, which broadcasts every Portland Trail Blazers game.

As an Oregon native I decided to become a Trail Blazers fan at the beginning of the season. I’ve since become addicted to Blazers games and rarely miss one, but my fandom doesn’t have much historical context — which explains why I had never seen this old Blazers PR video before.

If I only knew what I’d been missing.

–Let FreeDumb Ring…don’t forget to digg this post.

A Nice Floral Pattern

Jens Odegaard — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:47:49 +0000

Armed. Check. Hungry. Check. Carrying a watermelon. Check. Pregnant. Check. Wearing moo moo. Check. Didn’t do hair. Check. White headband. Check. No makeup. Check. Look disappointed in life. Check.

Let’s do this thing.

–Let FreeDumb Ring… don’t forget to digg this post.

Dontcha Wish Your Grandma?

Jens Odegaard — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 01:05:56 +0000

Now we all know what Weird Al will be doing when he’s 80.

–Let FreeDumb Ring

FinallyFast.com.doh

Jens Odegaard — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 01:49:58 +0000

Ignore, for a moment, that this FinallyFast.com commercial makes you want to rub your eyes out with rough-grit sandpaper. At the 28 second mark it explicitly states, “Finallyfast.com is for PC computers only.” That’s fine, discriminate against Mac users. But if your commercial is for PCs only wouldn’t it make sense to only use PCs in the commercial? The desktop at the beginning and end is an iMac and the laptop is a MacBook.

–Let FreeDumb Ring… don’t forget to digg this post.

The Ukrainian Army Looks Fun

Jens Odegaard — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 01:54:36 +0000

You know, I was sitting here playing a little free online poker, watching some basketball, drinking a brewski and wondering, “What have I done today — other than sleep in until noon.” Well, I did get some new shoes, so there’s that to look back fondly on. But I haven’t helped save the world or defend a nations’ honor, and the Ukrainian Army looks like a kick in the pants. Maybe I’ll join up.

Here’s the translation of the video directly from “kgh01” who uploaded it on YouTube. Who knows, he/she might speak even less Ukrainian than I do, but here you go:

“girl 1: would u take us for a ride on your BMW?
BMW-driver: even to the end of the world!
soldier: hey, i’d like to drown some vodka, girls!
girl 1: just a second!
girl 2: where do you live?
soldier: right here- daytime at work, and at night in the clubs!
girl 1: which work???
soldier: contract of course!
blonde girl: contract?? marriage contract or what?
girl 3: army contract, stupid!
BMW driver: hey, don’t you wanna ride on my car?
girls: forget it, take yourself for a ride!
narrator: it’s about time for new heroes! with contract based service in ukrainian armed fores!”

There you go: join the Ukrainian Army, become a hero, drown some vodka, and party in the clubs all night. Judging from a little Ukrainian history lesson, maybe that’s why the Ukraine has been walked all over for the last few thousand years.

–Let FreeDumb Ring… don’t forget to digg this post.

Elephant Butts And Monkey Pee

Jens Odegaard — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:59:25 +0000

How do you just stand there and eat while this is happening?

After doing a little YouTube search it turns out that maybe the prober is in fact just a little hungry. That’s right, elephants — or at least ones in the zoo — eat poop fresh from the source:

They’re not the only messed up species though. Check out this monkey peeing in his own mouth (notice how full it is at 0:23):

–Let FreeDumb Ring… don’t forget to digg this post.

Michael Vick, Missiles, and Al Qaeda

Jens Odegaard — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:59:23 +0000

Michael Vick, onetime NFL quarterback, loved watching dogs fight to the death for his pleasure. Since the time of Jack London writing White Fang this action has generally been viewed as distasteful, stomach churning and downright illegal, which is why Vick’s in prison.

But, while it takes a certain twisting of the mind to enjoy watching dogs rip each others throats out, it’s a whole new type of crazy that leads someone to accuse Vick of trying to buy Iranian missiles for an Al Qaeda mission.

But that’s exactly what happened. Vick’s fellow inmate Jonathan Lee Riches filed a “$63,000,000,000 billion dollar” lawsuit (either “$63 billion,” or “$63,000,000,000″ would have worked just fine Jonathan). It claimed that Vick stole two pit bulls from him and sold them on eBay. According to Riches, Michael Vick used the money from the sale to buy missiles from Iran.

Those pit bulls must have been capable of crapping gold if Vick made enough money from their sale to buy missiles.

The handwritten lawsuit filing (read it) goes on to inform us that Vick needed the missiles because he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda.

I envision that pledge reading like this: I pledge allegiance to Al Qaeda, and to the insanity for which it stands: a bunch of terrorists under Osama, with killing and destruction for all. Something tells me Michael Vick, for all his faults, didn’t do that.

By the way, you’ve got to love that Jonathan Lee Riches hand-wrote the copyright symbol at the end of his name. It’s a classy touch.

–Let FreeDumb Ring… don’t forget to digg this link.

World’s Longest Fingernails Broken

Jens Odegaard — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:22:33 +0000

Ten questions I thought of when I saw this picture:

How do you go to the bathroom?
How much nail polish does it take to do your nails?
Why?
How awkward is it to take your rings on and off?
How do you get your hands through your sleeves?
How do you get a date?
Were the 1970s that bad?
Have you ever heard of fingernail clippers?
Do you look in the mirror and then wake up having nightmares?
Where can you purchase a pair of those pants?

This woman is Lee Redmond: the pride of Salt Lake City; the living horror movie; the wearer of tight pants; the wrinkled, white-haired wench of the West; the Guinness World Record holder for longest fingernails. She started growing these monstrosities — 28 feet worth of dead cells — in 1979.

She broke them off last week when she was ejected from a car.

That’s called irony.

–Let FreeDumb Ring… don’t forget to digg this post.

PS: She only suffered minor injuries, so don’t call me insensitive.